This Wednesday: How to Create an Effective Online Profile @ The Spot in San Jose

(from M.Christian's Classes and Appearances)

This Wednesday (the 11th) I'm going to teaching my fun - if I do say so myself - class on online dating, How to Create an Effective Online Profile - And How to Write Messages That Will Get Good Responses for the South Bay Spot (in San Jose).

See you there!

How to Create an Effective Online Profile - And How to Write Messages That Will Get Good Responses

The world is the now the Internet ... and if you don't know how to use it then you are at a serious disadvantage in making any kind of connection: employment, social, artistic and – most of all – erotic. This class will not just explore how to use the Internet and various sites as a resource to explore your own sexuality – in any form – but also how to create an effective and alluring online profile. But creating a digital 'self' is only part of it: participants will also get tips on how to reach out in imaginative ways that will get a positive response, the important things that are too often forgotten and other social niceties that can be the difference between frustration and disappointment and having a wonderful – and best of all – sexy time online!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015 · 7:30 PM – 9:30 PM
973 Park Avenue, San Jose, California 95126
$10 for Members of The South Bay Spot and Reciprocal Organizations
15 for guests or other members of the Community

TWO Kinky Classes This Week In The Bay Area!

(from M.Christian's Classes And Appearances)

This is gonna be a blast! This week I'm teaching two kinky classes: the first,
How to Create an Effective Online Profile - And How to Write Messages That Will Get Good Responses is for the great folks at the South Bay Spot (in San Jose) on Wednesday, February 11th - and the second is Tit-Torture For Boobs for the SF Citadel on Saturday, February 14th!

Here's all the info and the links - see you there!

How to Create an Effective Online Profile - And How to Write Messages That Will Get Good Responses

The world is the now the Internet ... and if you don't know how to use it then you are at a serious disadvantage in making any kind of connection: employment, social, artistic and – most of all – erotic. This class will not just explore how to use the Internet and various sites as a resource to explore your own sexuality – in any form – but also how to create an effective and alluring online profile. But creating a digital 'self' is only part of it: participants will also get tips on how to reach out in imaginative ways that will get a positive response, the important things that are too often forgotten and other social niceties that can be the difference between frustration and disappointment and having a wonderful – and best of all – sexy time online!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015 · 7:30 PM – 9:30 PM
973 Park Avenue, San Jose, California 95126
$10 for Members of The South Bay Spot and Reciprocal Organizations - $15 for guests or other members of the Community

Tit-Torture For Boobs 

Breast play offers wonderful opportunities for intensely powerful scenes - but also comes with serious, even dangerous, risks. In this breasts-on seminar, participants will learn how to treat tits, both male and female, with exactly the right measure of sensuality and intensity to play well but also safely. Clothespins, nipple clamps, pinching, suction devices, gentle impact, bondage, and more will be demonstrated - as well as how to deliver effective aftercare. Additionally, participants will be given instruction in first aid, the dangers of breast play, and the limits of what boobs can take.

Saturday, February 14, 2015 · 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM
181 Eddy St, San Francisco, CA
$20 at the door, or $15 in advance

Amazingly Enough: Lost And Found – Glub, Glub, Glub…

(from M.Christian's Meine Kleine Fabrik):

Cool! Check out this brand new installment of my on-going series for Amazing Stories - this time on the tragic submergence of Mologa:

The tale of Mologa is singularly odd … as well as tragic … even in the always odd and periodically tragic domain of the lost.

Things, as you are more than aware – especially if you’ve been following this little series – go missing.  Paintings, books, films, people … just a little bit of research brings up a remarkable catalog of lost treasures.  Some, like the legendary Amber Room, make a twisted kind of sense in their absence: an entire room covered in priceless amber and gold?  Surprised it didn’t vanish long before World War 2.

Meanwhile those three novels by Philip K. Dick, King Kong Appears In Edo … and too many others like them … probably just got misplaced somewhere.  While things, like Lake Peigneur in Louisiana, may have vanished but then reappeared totally transformed.

Then there’s Mologa.  What makes this Russian city odd even among all these oddities is that it still exists: we know exactly where it is … in fact you can even visit it … but that doesn’t mean it’s actually there.

But first, a bit of background: founded sometime in the 12th century in Yaroslavl Oblast, Russia, after a few hundred years – and a history as twisted and convoluted as only a Russian city can have – Mologa, eventually became a key destination on the all-important Asian trade routes.

Even after the – and here’s an understatement – “Time of Troubles” (1598 to 1613) Mologa kept it’s trade importance and, by the 19th century, it had graduated to a valuable link between the Baltic and the Volga River.

Then came Stalin.  Uncle Joe had big plans for that region – including the creation of what would become the massive Rybinsk reservoir.  How massive?  Well, at the time of its creation in 1935 – with it being finally completed filling in 1947 – the Rybinsk reservoir was the largest artificial lake anywhere on Earth.  That big.

[MORE]

This Wednesday: Polyamory: How To Love Many And Well At Center For Sex And Culture

(from M.Christian's Classes And Appearances)

This is gonna be fun - see you there!

Polyamory: How To Love Many And Well

Sure, you've heard of it - and maybe have been intrigued by it - but what is polyamory and how do you love more than one person and make it work? How can you deal with jealousy, time-management, emotional rough patches, and more to enter into multiple sexual relationships? 

In this class, participants will learn to separate the myths from the realities of polyamory, how to make tentative steps towards having more than one partner, and how to approach and deal with the problems of sharing yourself with others, and being involved with someone who, in turn, is involved with someone else. 

Included in this class will be simple emotional exercises, true life experiences, unique techniques and innovative approaches to understanding the joys - and the risks - of beginning, or entering into, a polyamorous relationship.

#

Class from 6-8pm

Cost: $20

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1133571

M.Christian has been an active participant in the San Francisco BDSM scene since 1988, and has been a featured presenter at the Northwest Leather Celebration, smOdyssey, the Center For Sex and Culture, The National Sexuality Symposium, San Francisco Sex Information, The Citadel, The Looking Glass, The Society of Janus, The Floating World, Winter Solstice, and lots of other venues. He has taught classes on everything from impact play, tit torture, bondage, how to write and sell erotica, polyamory, cupping, caning, and basic SM safety.

M.Christian is also a recognized master of BDSM erotica with more than 400 stories in such anthologies as Best American Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Bisexual Erotica, Best Fetish Erotica, and many other anthologies, magazines, and other sites; editor of anthologies such as the Best S/M Erotica series, Pirate Booty, My Love For All That Is Bizarre: Sherlock Holmes Erotica, and more; the collections Dirty Words, The Bachelor Machine, Love Without Gun Control, Rude Mechanicals, and more; and the novels Running Dry, The Very Bloody Marys, Me2, Finger's Breadth, Brushes, and Painted Doll. His site is www.mchristian.com

This Week: Polyamory (How To Love Many And Well) And Basic SM Safety (It Hurts So Good) Classes!

(from M.Christian's Classes And Appearances)

This is going to be fun-on-the-bun! Next week I'm teaching (count 'em) two classes ... one of them with my great friend, Jean Marie Stine!

First up is Polyamory: How To Love Many And Well for the Center For Sex And Culture on Wednesday, January 21st:

Polyamory: How To Love Many And Well

Sure, you've heard of it - and maybe have been intrigued by it - but what is polyamory and how do you love more than one person and make it work? How can you deal with jealousy, time-management, emotional rough patches, and more to enter into multiple sexual relationships? 

In this class, participants will learn to separate the myths from the realities of polyamory, how to make tentative steps towards having more than one partner, and how to approach and deal with the problems of sharing yourself with others, and being involved with someone who, in turn, is involved with someone else. 

Included in this class will be simple emotional exercises, true life experiences, unique techniques and innovative approaches to understanding the joys - and the risks - of beginning, or entering into, a polyamorous relationship.

#

Class from 6-8pm

Cost: $20

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1133571

M.Christian has been an active participant in the San Francisco BDSM scene since 1988, and has been a featured presenter at the Northwest Leather Celebration, smOdyssey, the Center For Sex and Culture, The National Sexuality Symposium, San Francisco Sex Information, The Citadel, The Looking Glass, The Society of Janus, The Floating World, Winter Solstice, and lots of other venues. He has taught classes on everything from impact play, tit torture, bondage, how to write and sell erotica, polyamory, cupping, caning, and basic SM safety.

M.Christian is also a recognized master of BDSM erotica with more than 400 stories in such anthologies as Best American Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Bisexual Erotica, Best Fetish Erotica, and many other anthologies, magazines, and other sites; editor of anthologies such as the Best S/M Erotica series, Pirate Booty, My Love For All That Is Bizarre: Sherlock Holmes Erotica, and more; the collections Dirty Words, The Bachelor Machine, Love Without Gun Control, Rude Mechanicals, and more; and the novels Running Dry, The Very Bloody Marys, Me2, Finger's Breadth, Brushes, and Painted Doll. His site is www.mchristian.com

... then, on Thursday, January 22nd, I'm teaching It Hurts So Good ... And When It Shouldn't: An Essential Basic BDSM Safety Class with Jean Marie Stine for the SF Citadel:

I'm teaching  It Hurts So Good ... And When It Shouldn't: An Essential Basic BDSM Safety Class

Safety, safety, safety, safety ... kinksters hear that often enough but the fact is we can't hear too much about it: what we love to do has serious, sometimes life-threatening risks, and it is essential that anyone playing with BDSM toys and techniques learn all they can – constantly – about not just how to play safely but what to do when things to wrong.

In this informative and entertaining class, scene veterans Jean Marie Stine and M.Christian discuss basic BDSM safety, what should be in your emergency kit, basic human anatomy, chancy play techniques, STCs and other biological risks, how to try to expect the unexpected ... and more!

Class from 8-10pm, doors open at 7:30pm
Cost: $20 at the door, or $15 in advance
https://www.Purplepass.com/sfc1222015

Jean Marie Stine describes herself as Maggie Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West. By day she wields a mean whip as the Editrix of Sizzler Editions, which publishes all types of BDSM fiction and other erotica. She has written and ghosted numerous books and stories, some mainstream, some highly kinky and perverse. She is a serious soul eating dom, seeking gender queers of all types with submissive natures, bodies she can play with, and orifaces she can get my hand in. Her interests include Aunt/Mistress boy/girl niece/nephew play, hot and cold, cutting, whipping, the occasional group topping of some helpless bottom, and much more.

M.Christian has been an active participant in the San Francisco BDSM scene since 1988, and has been a featured presenter at the Northwest Leather Celebration, smOdyssey, the Center For Sex and Culture, The National Sexuality Symposium, San Francisco Sex Information, The Citadel, The Looking Glass, The Society of Janus, The Floating World, Winter Solstice, and lots of other venues. He has taught classes on everything from impact play, tit torture, bondage, how to write and sell erotica, polyamory, cupping, caning, and basic SM safety.

TWO Erotica Essays

Check it out: two of my essays just went live ... what a great start to the new year!

Over at WriteSex, my column Success just went up (and here's a tease):

Currently I’m involved in a very special publishing endeavor – sorry for the tease; I’ll come to it shortly – that has gotten me thinking quite a bit about writing, especially about what it could meant to be a successful writer. 

An odd word, that: success. In some cases it can be a very clear-cut. Getting from point A to point B? Success is just making the trip. Balancing your checkbook? Success is making it all add up (and, one hopes, remaining in the black). But for writers … well, it can be rather, shall I say, slippery. 

For example: finishing a book or a story. That can be a form of success – though too often it feels like there’s always more that could have been done. Selling a book or a story? That can be successful – though many times there’s the nagging doubt that it could have gone for more money, higher status, etc. 

Then there’s the big form of that word. What does it mean to be a successful author? Excuse me for evoking my inner Cranky Old Pro, but far too many authors seem to think that being a successful author is not just finishing books and stories, selling books or stories, winning awards, making money – but making sure everyone, everywhere, knows about it. 

In other words, the world of professional writing – or creating anything, it seems like – has become about who you are and not what you do. 

[MORE]

... and over at the Erotica Readers and Writers site my essay, Confessions Of A Literary Streetwalker: Bond, James Bond ... Or Do I Really Need An Agent? also is up. Here's a tease of it:

The world of professional writing can be ... no, that's not right: the world of professional writing is - without a doubt - a very frightening, confusing place. 

Not only are there only a few diehard rules – to either slavishly follow or studiously avoid - but even basic trust can be a very, very rare: should I put my work on my site, or will it be stolen? Should I even send my work out to other writers, for the very same reason?

What about editors or - especially - publishers? Does my editor really have my best interests in mind? Should I make the changes he or she suggests or should I stand my ground and refuse to change even one word? Is my publisher doing all they can for my book? Are they being honest about royalties?

Back in the days of print - before the revolution – a lot of these questions would have been answered by an agent: a person who not only knew the business but would actually hold a writer's hand and lead them from that doubt and fear and, hopefully, towards success ... however you want to define that word. 

Agents spoke the cryptic language of rights and royalties: they could actually read – and even more amazingly - understand a book contract. They'd be able, with their experience and foresight, to say when a writer should say yes or no to edits.

[MORE]

Impact Play: Beyond Floggers And Canes

(from M.Christian's Classes and Appearances)

This is gonna be a BLAST ... my first class of the new year!

Join this workshop to receive (ahem) 'hands-on' instruction in a wide and sometimes-strange variety of different impact toys hands, hairbrushes, paddles, crops, wooden spoons, batons, quirts, and more. While often the physics of these toys are sometimes closely related, to use each one effectively takes particular skill and techniques that are not immediately apparent. Participants will learn not only how to inflict the most pleasure as well as pain but also how to use each item without hurting the wield-er as well as the wield-ee.

Class from 8-10pm, doors open at 7:30pm
Cost: $20 at the door, or $15 in advance
https://www.purplepass.com/sfc01152015

M.Christian has been an active participant in the San Francisco BDSM scene since 1988, and has been a featured presenter at the Northwest Leather Celebration, smOdyssey, the Center For Sex and Culture, The National Sexuality Symposium, San Francisco Sex Information, The Citadel, The Looking Glass, The Society of Janus, The Floating World, Winter Solstice, and lots of other venues. He has taught classes on everything from impact play, tit torture, bondage, how to write and sell erotica, polyamory, cupping, caning, and basic SM safety.

M.Christian is also a recognized master of BDSM erotica with more than 400 stories in such anthologies as Best American Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Bisexual Erotica, Best Fetish Erotica, and many other anthologies, magazines, and other sites; editor of anthologies such as the Best S/M Erotica series, Pirate Booty, My Love For All That Is Bizarre: Sherlock Holmes Erotica, and more; the collections Dirty Words, The Bachelor Machine, Love Without Gun Control, Rude Mechanicals, and more; and the novels Running Dry, The Very Bloody Marys, Me2, Finger's Breadth, Brushes, and Painted Doll. His site is www.mchristian.com

Support Charlie Hebdo

2015 - What A Year For Classes!

(From M.Christian's Classes And Appearances)

2015 is going to rock - at least class and teaching wise! Just check out the following schedule I've put together for this year - though keep in mind am still working on booking some other events and venues in the meantime.

I'll be posting more info about each and every one of these classes in a few ... but this should wet your whistle!

January
Thursday, January 15: Impact Play - Beyond Floggers And Canes with M.Christian at SF Citadel
Wednesday, January 21: Polyamory Class with M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Thursday, January 22: Basic BDSM Safety (with Jean Marie Stine) at SF Citadel
Monday, January 26: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

February
February 11: How To Write a Good Online Profile at The South Bay Spot
Saturday, February 14: Tit-Torture For Boobs: A Breast Play Intensive at SF Citadel
Monday, February 23: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel
Friday, February 27 – 28: Sin In The City Convention, Las Vegas

March
Tuesday, March 3: Meet R.Greco and M.Christian at Wicked Grounds
Wednesday, March 4: Basic Bondage: Tie Me Up On A Budget with M.Christian & R. Greco at SF Citadel
Thursday, March 5: How to Write & Sell Erotica with M.Christian and R. Greco at Center For Sex And Culture
Saturday, March 7: Leather Lace and Lust Reading at Center For Sex And Culture
Thursday, March 26: Hitting Below The Belt: The Art Of Cock And Ball Torture at SF Citadel
Monday, March 23: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

April
Thursday, April 9: Adult Marketing with Jean Marie Stine and M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Tuesday, April 14: Sensual Caning: How To Use The Rod In New And Exciting Ways with M.Christian at SF Citadel
Thursday, April 23: How To Write a Good Online Profile at Center For Sex And Culture
Monday, April 27: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

May
Thursday, May 14: Cupping: Using The Ancient Medicinal Technique For Erotic Play with M.Christian at SF Citadel
Wednesday, May 19: How To Write And Sell Erotica with M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Monday May 25: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

June
Thursday, June 11: How to Write A Sexual Self-Help Book with Jean Marie Stine and M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Saturday, June 13: Alternative Bondage: Beyond Rope And Restraints With M.Christian at SF Citadel
Monday, June 22: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel
Thursday, June 25: Basic BDSM Safety (with Jean Marie Stine) at SF Citadel

July
Thursday, July 16: Making A Scene: How To Create Fun – and Most Of All – Hot S/M Play Encounters at SF Citadel
Saturday, July 18: Leather Lace and Lust Reading at Center For Sex And Culture
Monday, July 27: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

August
Tuesday, August 4: Hitting Below The Belt: The Art Of Cock And Ball Torture With M.Christian at SF Citadel
Monday, August 24: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel
Thursday, August 27: How To Write And Sell Erotica with M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture

September
Thursday, September 17: Impact Play: Beyond Floggers And Canes with M.Christian at SF Citadel
Monday, September 28: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

October
Thursday, October 8th: Adult Marketing with Jean Marie Stine and M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Thursday, October 15: Polyamory: How To Love Many And Well at SF Citadel
Thursday, October 22: How To Write a Good Online Profile at Center For Sex And Culture
Monday, October 26: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

November
Tuesday. November 10: Tit-Torture For Boobs: A Breast Play Intensive at SF Citadel
Thursday, November 12: How To Write And Sell Erotica with M.Christian at Center For Sex And Culture
Thursday, November 19: Basic BDSM Safety (with Jean Marie Stine) at SF Citadel
Monday, November 26: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

December
Thursday, December 17: Basic Bondage: Tie Me Up On A Budget with M.Christian at SF Citadel
Saturday, December 19: Leather Lace and Lust Reading at Center For Sex And Culture
Monday, December 28: Polyamory Discussion/Support Group at SF Citadel

The Long Game - Up On Write-Sex

Very, very cool! Check out my little essay on erotica writing, The Long Game, up on the fantastic Write-Sex site:

I’m not too sure whose been spreading the rumors but, believe me, I’d like to get my hands on them.

Not that it’s anything new, I admit. I’ll betcha that for as long as human beings have been putting one word in front of another word for money there’s been a whispering, a murmuring, a seductive allure that all it takes is just the right story, the perfect book, the ideal concept to launch the author from zero to bazillionare.

But that’s all it is: rumor, hearsay, gossip… hollow promises. Okay, sure, it does happen but I’ll betcha with what little money I’ve made with my own writing that the number of people who it has happened to would comfortably fit in an elevator… and a small one at that. In short, while fame and fortune can and has happened with just one book, the odds are nightmarishly against you.

But the myth—sadly—persists. The reason I’m writing this is perfect evidence: no fewer than four people recently asked me to be their book doctors, yet they all vanished once they understood the reality of what it actually takes to make even a moderate amount of money as an author. All of them had actually written a novel, each of them had put aside money to have it professionally edited, and they’d even started up the long social media ladder… but each one vanished in the space of a few months.

I’m a dreamer … hell, half my waking life seems to be spent drifting from one fantasy to another: from super heroics to an immaculately imagined life as a pulp author in the ’40s, I’m usually lost in the clouds. But while being able to support my very simple lifestyle with my writing income is only one of them, I also really try to make at least that fantasy as real as possible.

Part of that is that I really want to make that happen. I know that it won’t take one novel … hell, it’ll more than likely take dozens and dozens… and that it can sometimes take decades before my work gets noticed and, most importantly, purchased by enough people. Just look at how long it takes to build up a social media presence—and then to turn those numbers into people who actually care about what you say.

[MORE]

Amazingly Enough: Lost And Found – Absence Makes The Heart…

(from M.Christian's Meine Kliene Fabrik)

Check it out: a new kick-ass (if I say so myself) installment of my Amazing Stories column, Amazingly Enough, just went live!

Amazingly Enough: Lost And Found – 

Absence Makes The Heart…

LOST: Many novels, lots of paintings, quite a few films … and even a few cities…

#

Heartbreaking cat or dog stories get to some, others get teary when they think about passed loved ones … oh, sure, a sad lost kitten tale will get to me and there are far too many people who are no longer in my life (and are sorely missed) but what gets the waterworks really flowing is thinking about the movies, books, places, paintings, and music that are just … gone.

It’s becoming harder and harder to fathom the idea of anything really being totally missing: this is, after all, the age of the Internet and we are all far-too familiar with the maxim “the web never forgets.” But even a cursory glance at history will bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-hearted.

For instance, you’ll never watch Lucien Hubbard’s The Mysterious Island; visit Itjtawy, an ancient Egyptian capital; or experience the legendary Amber Room…

Oh, sure, there’s still a chance that some of these treasures – and the thousands of others – might someday reappear, but for now they’ve just disappeared, vanished … gone.

Even cutting down the sob-story list of the missing to just films and a few special books – because, let’s face it, the catalog of paintings and music that can’t be found is simply staggering – leaves a pretty depressing catalog of absent features and tomes.

A few are not just absent but also damned alluring. Sure, more than few of the missing films were very small budget affairs (like some of Andy Warhol and Kenneth Anger’s) but more than a few of them were pretty lavish affairs.

And one is just plain weird. Most of you know kaiju (Japanese big monster movies, for the nerd-impaired). True aficionados of the genre gloat in knowing not just the first kaiji is the legendary Gojira but that it was made in 1954.

[MORE]

Me2: Chapter 11

(from M.Christian's Queer Imaginings)

As part of a huge - and much needed - marketing push, I'm going to be serializing a few of my all-time favorite books ... starting with the (ahem) rather infamous novel that I may or may not have actually written: Me2

"Absolutely brilliant!" says Lisabet Sarai, author of Incognito and Fire, about Lambda finalist M.Christian's controversial manlove horror/thriller. 

He looks just like you. He acts exactly like you. He takes away your job. He steals your friends. He seduces your male lover. None of them can tell the difference. Every day he becomes more and more like you, pushing you out of your own life, taking away what was yours … until there’s nothing left. Where did he come from? Robot? Alien? Clone? Doppelganger? Evil twin? Long lost brother? Then you discover there are still more "yous." Can you be sure you are the real you? And how do you fight to take your own life back? 

An absorbing new approach to the question of identity, Me2 is a groundbreaking gay chiller you’ll remember for a long time – no matter who you are, or who you think you may be. 

(Despite rumors that this book was written by an impostor - but, rest assured, this is the real 'M.Christian.' Accept no substitutes!)

Chapter XI

Me11

"You've heard it a lot.  Hell, I know you've heard it a lot.  But I mean it, you to me – honestly, truthfully – I know what you're feeling, the shit you've been going through.

"There's a lot of things going on.  Real things.  It's not just in your mind, not just in the space between your ears.  It's not just you.

"That's the problem, too.  But at least you aren't alone.  So you can relax, if you can.

"I'm so glad you came in.  I've tried to track down a few others like us, but when I got close, they got pretty freaked out.  A few even got punchy.  Can't really blame them, I guess.  Some of them are pretty ... busted up.  So that's why I stopped looking, let them come to me.  Like you have.  So glad you're handling it ... as well as you are.  You seem to be one of the better ones.

"Have you figured it out yet?  No?  I'm not surprised.  A few of us have had bits of it – a part here and there – but none of us have had all of it.  Don't know why I did.  Luck, maybe.  Could be I've had more time to think.  I don't know.

"We're all the same.  That's what it's all about.  That's what's going on: none of us are unique.  No one is.  We've all become types, we wear nothing but costumes, we act only like we're supposed to act –and we like it that way.  We've made ourselves into what we want to be, how we want to be seen.  It doesn't matter what that is: rich, poor, stupid, smart, beautiful.  It doesn't even matter how we start either – no parents, one parent, both parents, whatever – because no matter how we grow up, we all want to be the same as everyone else when we do.

"It's always been kind of like this, but it's different now.  Worse, I think.  Things used to travel slowly.  But now it just rushes at you, doesn't it?  TV, the Internet, magazines, books.  Life – all of it.  Sometimes you feels like it's too much, right?  It's too loud, too crazy, too angry.  So you try to find ways not to feel tense, outside, alone: you listen to the top ten, watch the top ten, think the top ten are sexy, want to look like the top ten, want to become the top ten, because everyone else does.  It's safe.  It feels good to know what you're doing is what everyone else is doing.

"There's something else, too: the TV, the Internet, the magazines, the books are all made to get to the most people, right?  That's the way it works, isn't it?  They're successful when they get the most number of people to read the same thing, watch the same thing, think the same thing, become the same thing – and they keep getting better and better at it.  Something's a hit because it was made to be a hit – and we make it a hit because if we don't watch it, listen to it, be like it then we won't be like everyone else.

"Think about it.  We want to be wanted, so we buy what they're selling, so we become what everyone wants: a predictable model, a type, a unit.  Everyone's the same – and that way we not only know what we are, but everyone else knows what we are, too.  Then to stay that way, we buy what we're supposed to buy and live the way our types are supposed to live.  It goes round and around and around and around!

"Have you listened to your thoughts?  Really listened?  Close your eyes and pay attention: they aren't yours, are they?  They're stuff from movies, from TV, from all over the place.  They aren't yours because you're just what you've read or watched or seen.  You're just bits and pieces of stuff.  Stuff that other people are thinking about too, people who want to be the same kind of person you are.

"Even people who don't think they're not the same are the same, I mean.  They think they're special but they're not.  They're types too – just different types.  They think they're beyond all this shit but they're not – they've all read the same books, seen the same flicks, listened to the same music.  They all want to be accepted, but accepted by people like them, so they wear their costumes and put on their act.  Just like us.  Just like all of us.

"Maybe we're ... better at all this, being 'types' I mean.  Maybe we're so outside of it, being queer and all, that we just want it more.  You know: to be part of something we get and that gets us.  So we make ourselves into special shapes and shit and lives to do that.  Some of us talk a certain way, walk a certain way, create lives that are just like our type so we don't have to be different.  More different, I mean.

"No shit that some of us – some of 'me' you could say – 'broke'.  You could see why it happened, when you figure it all out.  Others, like you, have handled it okay.  That we have become a standard model of a person, I mean.  I'm just glad you saw me and came in, so we could talk.

"Others ... like me, too, I guess.  How many like me are there?  Sitting down and talking to others like you.  Explaining about it all?  Telling the story?  I don't know how many others – but there's more than one.  That's the point, I guess: that there's always more than one."

Sitting in Starbucks, listening to him.  Listening to me.  The other me.  A path in his talking, a winding road through my head, going from refusal to belief, from belief to fury, fury to wanting to work things out, wanting to work things out to deep darkness, and then finally from deep darkness to understanding.

We sipped our caramel macchiatos together, one side of the mirror facing the other.  Maybe one set of eyes a bit more frantic, the other set of eyes more exhausted.  Otherwise the same man here, the same man there: Tommy Hilfiger facing Tommy Hilfiger in a Starbucks that could be any Starbucks.  The hair was the same, styled and modeled and clipped in imitation of the same look seen in the same magazine, on the same model who was chosen to appeal to the greatest number of men.

What was he thinking?  I could almost hear the words in my head – but only almost.  The tone of voice was there, but the details were slippery, sliding from getting caught and nailed down.  He'd figured it out, after all.  I hadn't.  He was me, but a me that was farther along the road, waving back to my slower pace.  I might be able to think like he did, given enough time.

I thought about him.  I thought about me.  I thought about other ... hims and mes and Is and theys and uses.  One end of the road marked by a sideways, out-of-the-other-corner-of-the-eye, "Weren't you just here?" the first sign that something-may-not-be-right, that there might be someone out there who looks like me, acts like me, and who wants to steal what's mine.

The other end was this me, who had seen it all, pondered and thought, deduced, and then tried to tell others what he'd pondered, what he'd thought, what he'd deduced.

My coffee was warm in my hand, so I sipped at it.  Across the table, my coffee was warm in my hand, so I sipped it.  A delay, perhaps, of a moment, a pause, a consideration between the two of us.  One at this side of the road, the other at that side of the road.

But what was right?  No, not a road.  That was only one direction: this way or that way.  There were others, maybe many others.  Only some of them were just beginning, only some of them were finally ending.  He said that a few of us hadn't ... taken it well.  How not well?

Not well of tears?  Not well of sleepless nights?  Not well of sadness?  Not well of fear?  Not well of fright?

I could imagine that too well, and then did, as the coffee filled my mouth with warm excitement: a mirror-image walking through my life, stepping on my toes, taking my place in line, getting everywhere before me, moving in, taking everything.  I could see where that would push and push and push until I fell over into tears, from sleepless nights of paranoia, sadness of loss, fear of vanishing, and fright from being replaced.

But there were other kinds of not well.  Different direction I could have gone.

Not well of tears?  Not well of seduction?  Not well of temptation?  Not well of escape?  Not well of capture?

I could imagine that too well, and then did as the coffee filled my mouth with cooling excitement: a mirror-image fantasy lurking around every nasty corner of my life, crooking a finger at my conscienceless dick, licking duplicate lips, offering a perfect self-dream of narcissism, an enrapturing embrace of the one person I knew would be there and love me no matter what – but then there was the bad stuff of it, the swirling-down-the-drain shivers at the thought of gazing from now until whenever at my own navel.  I could see where that would shove me into tears from the allure of seduction, the tug of temptation, the fever to escape, and then the dark wish for capture.

But there were other kinds of not well.  Different direction I could have gone.

Not well of tears?  Not well of stalking?  Not well of pursuit?  Not well of corners?  Not well of desperation?  Not well of blood?  Not well of red and blue lights?  Not well of prison?  Not well of hail of gunfire?

I could imagine that too well, and then did as the coffee filled my mouth with cold dread: around every corner, behind every closed door, a leering face from a warped mirror; every step from behind belonging to him, every sound coming from him, every face at first his – until proven otherwise, every threat his, everything everywhere a scheme belonging to him.  I could see where that would shove me into frightened tears, drive me quivering insane from his real or imagined stalking, his real or imagined pursuit, his real or imagined face around every corner, then a moment when it didn't matter if he was real or imagined – it had to stop, then a moment of blood, then an afterworld of alleys and darkness escaping from the police, then an afterworld of bars and rape – or an afterworld of bullets burning hot holes through his body.

So many other kinds of not well.  So many different directions I could have gone.  Not a road.  No, that wasn't right.  So many stories with so many different versions of me.  I could see them as separate, unconnected, single stories – or even like a novel, with each chapter only looking like the same me on a trip from suspicion to seduction to smashing a supposed copy's brain to gray pudding – but in reality each me is a different one, lots of little stories instead of a big one in little pieces.

And I, sitting in front of another me sipping coffee, is just one more.  One more false chapter.  One more me.  In some books I'd be the end, in others only the beginning.

We got up to refresh our caramel macchiatos, he and I, perfectly together – as were the grins we shared at getting up together to refresh our caramel macchiatos.  Then we were broken, he doing something I wasn't doing – but only for a moment as I followed the turn of his head to look out the window, and saw what he turned his head to see.  Outside, looking in, worn and tired, scared and sleepless, Tommy Hilfiger over an older look as disguise, eyes too wide from too many shocks, was another me.

With what I hoped was a friendly beckoning, I crooked my finger at him; welcoming him into the company of himself.